(some things) i’m guilty about

lied

that

i

privileged

complained

whiny

even though i

informed 

know my problems are little

insignificant

and that i

lucky

have it easier

that 

when 

she got sick

for her

and everyone else

cried

for her

i

self-absorbed

didn’t cry for her

and instead 

worried

as

it 

always is

about mostly myself

when i

really 

that 

i

trying 

may have made things worse

when he said he

himself 

hated himself

worthless

and wanted to die

to leave

everything i 

told him

he seemed to turn 

twist 

into more self loathing

i told my mom

fearful 

and my mom told his

and though i

still 

know i should have

obviously

i feel like i

cruel 

snitched

like

 i accidentally

that 

i

perfectly ok 

told her

tortured 

i understood what she

helpless 

was feeling

“depression” 

when i 

undepressed

didn’t

actually 

and that i didn’t realize

then 

i couldn’t help her hurting 

on my own

alone 

when i saw the cuts

records

on her arms i felt sick

repulsed

scared

and didn’t want to see 

the reminders 

anymore

they told me i

innocent 

could keep my distance

space

that it

she 

wasn’t my responsibility

wasn’t my job 

but 

she told me

tether 

i 

cord

was her best friend

rope 

and that she 

clinging

could trust me

bond 

with everything

but i

fraying 

didn’t know what to do

what to say 

one night she called me

desperate

but my phone 

it was off

and the slits

wounds 

on her wrists 

could have bled out

completely 

from the kitchen counter

and

onto the floor

and 

she

could

have

right 

then 

and 

there

all alone 

she wanted my help

my rescue

but i missed 

her call

i just wanted her pain

to go away 

or 

at least 

that 

i 

didn’t have to be 

the 

only

singular

one

to carry

stumbling 

it

heavy

but it 

crushing

wasn’t her fault

she

suspended 

suffered far worse 

than i

seperated

did

and she needed

wanted 

help

me

i

was a bad friend

not selfless enough

but

selfish

greedy 

because i

didn’t like 

how when she

brave 

talked about her hurt

burden

it hurt

overpowered

me 

and made me scared

disconsolate

and fear 

sadness

guilt

turn to irritation

annoyance

anger

know

understand

that you

anyone 

can’t love sick away

especially alone

whether it be 

of the lungs

the 

heart

the 

head

etc

but i

foolish

still try

fruitless 

because i

delusional 

just want to fix 

broken things

and it

everything 

always ends in failure

that 

i

actually 

never knew or understood

and 

that

i 

never will

know

and i’m

spinning 

guilty that i’m guilty

sick

about things i

once 

said

did

didn’t do

though at the time

i

young